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Occasionally word gets back to me that friends & acquaintances are wondering when we are going to “move on” and get over our loss. Recently a friend commented on a mutual’s friend’s remark that “Lynn and Ron still talk about Ryan an awfully lot. After 2 ½ years shouldn’t they have moved on by now?”
What exactly does “moving on” look like? If it means forgetting that our child died and no longer hurting from that, then no, we haven’t. If it means ceasing all mention of his name, then, nope, we haven’t moved on. If it means not still missing him every minute of every day or longing to have his physical presence in our lives, then no, we haven’t done that either. If it means no longer crying on the bad days or at the tender moments, then I guess we haven’t.
But if it means getting up and taking a shower every day and going about the business of living our lives even when we would rather stay curled up under the covers, then we have made progress. We go to work and pay our bills. We go to parties and entertain friends in our home. We go on vacation and visit family & friends across the country. We hike and bike and snow ski and garden and cook and read and go to movies. We spend time with our surviving son and our dog. We even laugh sometimes.
When I meet new people, within the first 10 minutes of conversation, I blurt out “my story”. My story of losing Ryan. It’s too much of who I am for me not to tell others about it almost immediately upon meeting them. I came across a fellow bereaved mom a couple years ago who said she didn’t want to be defined by her loss. At this point in time, I AM defined by my loss and can’t imagine it will ever be any different. My loss of Ryan was so big and profound that it changed me irreversibly. If you are going to know me, you must know about that part of me or you don’t know the real me.
I believe those who are disappointed or surprised that we haven’t “gotten over it” have never experienced a loss anywhere near this big or this bad. If so, they wouldn’t say such ludicrous things. Most of us have lost someone we love – a grandparent, a parent, a pet, a sibling, a good friend. And the truth is, we do “get over” most of those losses. I don’t think one ever gets over losing a child, no matter how much time passes. In the 29 months since Ryan died I have met many parents who lost children. Some of them died over 40 years ago yet their parents still tear up when they talk to me. My grief dredges up their grief because it’s like a dying fire – you poke it just a little and the flames flare up again. Those gray ashes camouflage burning embers that are just below the surface.
We don’t stay in bed all day or self medicate with drugs & alcohol. We haven’t become recluses or bitter, negative people. We haven’t dropped out of society altogether. But we’re a long way from being “over it”. Ryan was such a joy in our lives and with his death, many of our hopes & dreams for the future died. We are making the best of what we have left. Some days it takes all our energy to keep going. Other days are less hard. We are moving forward but I doubt we will ever really “move on”.