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 I am ready for August to be over and would like to skip right over September as well.  I have lot of memories in August, and most are not good memories.  Dustin’s dad passed away on August 15th, my mom on August 16th, my dad on August 19th, then throw in my birthday on August 17th and Dustin’s birthday is August 29th.  Once I get through August then I need to get through September.  Dustin passed away on September 10th and I had his service on September 16th.  The walk is September 18, 2010 and although it is hard work getting this walk together I have to stay focused on why I am doing it. 

I wonder if this pain will ever ease.  Everyone says it will but it has not happened yet.  I put up a good front, I may seem happy on the outside but on the inside my heart is broken.  I think about Dustin 24/7 and the what-ifs are always playing in my mind.  I recently exchanged e-mails with someone that was very close to Dustin.  One thing she said to me really made me sad, “I know you always meant the world to Dustin and he was always scared to disappoint you. He wanted to have kids someday and make you happy”.  That statement makes me really sad, was I too hard on Dustin?  Did I make him feel like he could do no wrong?  That is hard to swallow.  And so the guilt continues.

I had dinner this last week with my three friends.  It is one of the few things that I really look forward to.  Our conversations flows so easy and even though we may be talking about a bad situation we always find a way to make each other smile or laugh, most of the time the laughter is aimed at something one of us has done.  They are a big part of my life and I know that we will be friends forever.  I am so glad I met them; I just wish it would have been under different circumstances.

I am trying to write the “In Memory” of Dustin that I want to put in the paper on the one-year date of his death.  I wrote it once and now I cannot find it.  This is hard, there is so much I want to say, I just wish he was here so I could tell him in person how much I love him and how proud I was of him.