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From time to time most children behave badly and defy the wishes of their parents. This is a part of growing up and testing adult guidelines and expectations. It is a way for children to learn about and discover their own selves, express their individuality, and achieve a sense of autonomy. As they stretch their independent wings and engage in conflicts with their parents, they discover the boundaries of their parents' rules and of their own self-control. When defiance, hostility and refusal to comply are ongoing, this behavior may affect the entire family and requires more serious attention. Fortunately, when parents use the right tools, they can change their child's problem behavior. Here are some suggestions of tools for disciplining the misbehaving child: 

1. Be a good role model. Stay calm and do not get carried away when your child misbehaves. If you react to your child's talking back by exploding or losing your temper, he will respond with disobedience and disrespect. Avoid yelling and screaming, since this can teach your child that it is all right to do so. By contrast, he will become more obedient when you remain calm, cooperative, and consistent. He will learn to be respectful if you are respectful toward him and others in the family.

2.  Positive communication. The way we interact with our children would influence their sense of worth. And when faced with challenging situations such as correcting one’s behavior, it is best to sit down, talk and compromise with your child.. If an inappropriate behavior was displayed, take time to explain why such act is unacceptable and that he is not a bad person.  Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and not his person. It is important that children always feel accepted and loved.

3.  Set limits. Teach your child right from wrong; Tell him how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, what is OK to do and what is not.

4.  Positive reinforcement. When your child is obedient and respectful, compliment him for that behavior. Always praise and  reward them for doing something good. Reward the behavior you are seeking, including cooperation and resolution of disagreements. When praise is coupled with positive attention, you would see that your child could easily meet or even exceed your expectations. Remember that if positive reinforcement is always exhibited in your home, you are giving your child a clear picture of how to properly interact with people in their community.

5. Understand the difference between rewards and bribes. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.

6. Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of discipline. By being hit, your child will get the message that hitting is something OK to do and will make her more aggressive and angry. Other wrong ways of punishment are those designed to hurt or put down the child like sarcasm, name calling, ridicule or threats of physical harm or loss of love.

7. Acceptable ways of punishment are ignoring the bad behavior (not the child), giving choices, time-outs and taking away privileges.                                                                                                                                                                                  

a) When it’s a minor defiance, simply ignore it, avoid eye contact with the child and don’t get into an argument with him.

b) Give the choice of either doing what you want or doing something else that you are sure that she doesn’t like to do. For instance: “You either play quietly or we will put the toys away”.                                                                                                    

c) Time-out is a good method when the child refuses to obey and do or finish tasks. For instance: “Sit here until you pick up your coat”.  The time-out can also be used as an alternative choice. There is a problem with the “time out”: if it is used in excess, the child will consider it as a  minor punishment and think like ‘I’ll go over it and then I’m back to my self”.  It is recommended to use the “time-out” as an ultimate method.

d) Taking away privileges is actually considered the best technique for controlling disobedience. You can take away regular privileges – like going to the park, visiting the grandparents, etc – or you can introduce special privileges that may be taken away. For instance giving one dollar for every week (or a coin every day) that the child behaves well.  Visiting “Toys are us”, going to a favorite meal place, planning a vacation to Disneyland, there are so many ways to make a child  excited! You can even institute a “ point reward system”, one good day is a point, a bad day is a missing point, etc.  

Most important is to remember that the goal of discipline is helping your child to develop into a person who feels secure and loved, is self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his impulses, and who does not get overly frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life.

Source: The American Academy of Pediatrics. 

 Florin Vlasie, M.D. Board Certified Pediatrician

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