blogs

Do you have kids? In the world of women, it is probably the most common question asked as we make small talk and meet new people. Not so much with men but definitely with women. And when your child has died, it’s an awful question. For months & months, I protected myself to the best of my ability by rarely putting myself in a position of meeting new people. I didn’t want to interact with anyone who didn’t already know me and know my tragic story. I had no tolerance for chit chat that would eventually lead to that difficult question.

How does one answer the “kids” question when your child has died? It’s a subject talked about and written about often among bereaved parents. As there are many different ways of handling grief, there are many different ways of answering the question. Some moms have told me it depends on whether the questioner is going to be in their life going forward. The answer depends upon whether the question comes from a store clerk or a potential new friend. Some find it easier to just list the surviving children rather than cause discomfort for the person asking the question. Trust me; it’s a conversation stopper when you blurt out that your child recently died. Other mothers, including myself, don’t care whether it makes the other person uncomfortable – we can’t bring ourselves to omit our deceased child. Not yet anyway. Maybe someday we’ll play nice but we’re not there yet.

I have become friends with many bereaved mothers since losing Ryan. All have suffered very similarly to me and I have bushel baskets of compassion, sympathy and empathy for them all. But I have a special sadness for mothers who have lost their only child. Losing your only child makes the “do you have kids?’ question even worse. One mom described to me the internal conversation she has with herself….am I still a mom even though I no longer have a child? Do I still call myself a mother even though I no longer have anyone to “mother”?

2 ½ years after Ryan’s death, I still immediately tell new friends and acquaintances about Ryan and about our loss. It’s so much a part of who I now am that I feel disingenuous getting to know someone without them knowing that about me. In the first year after Ryan’s death, I met a woman who had also lost a son. She commented that she didn’t want to be defined by her great loss. I find I AM defined by my great loss whether I choose to be or not. It’s too much a part of who I am to not define me. And I’m okay with that.

So when people ask me if I have kids I usually say “I have a 24 year old son and our 18 year old son died in July of 2007.” Sometimes I say I have a son in Sacramento and a son in Heaven. I then go on to say….”In the summer of 2007, our family suffered a great tragedy…..”

For as long as I live, I will be the mother of a beautiful 18 year old boy.