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Feeling Guilty about Feeling Better
After Ryan died, I couldn’t imagine I would ever feel joy or happiness again. How could I with a gouge in my heart so deep and wide? I thought the most I could hope for was that I wouldn’t always hurt so badly. I certainly didn’t think I would ever have fun again – ever. I resigned myself to the fact I would spend the rest of my earthly days getting through them the best I could, counting down until I no longer had to be alive in this world. Have fun again? Never! The mere thought of it was preposterous. And for a really long time, I didn’t have fun or feel any happiness or joy – only occasional moments of respite from the excruciating pain.
But here I am 31 months into my loss. I have a new job I love and I find I am having fun again. Last Friday night we went to a fund raiser for Royal Family Kids Camp, a camp for abused kids where Ron has volunteered the last two summers. The Beatlemajesty concert was a lot of fun. As we sat there among friends, with everyone singing along and having a great time, I felt guilty that we were having fun while our boy is dead. We were with friends who brought along their young adult kids. I felt pangs of jealousy throughout the night but still I had a nice time. And then tonight Ron and I called and sang Happy Birthday to another friend. When we finished our song, I thought how far we have come in 2 ½ years. For so many months after Ryan’s birthday, we not only didn’t sing, we spoke in monotones with little life in our voices. We grew old overnight.
Time is a wonderful healer though. While we will never be “over it” or completely back to our old selves, it is amazing that we are as good as we are. When I confess my guilt about having fun while my son is dead, those who knew Ryan remind me he would want that. I know that is true. Ryan was the happiest person in our family and one of the most joyful people I ever knew. The reason he had so many friends is because he was so much fun to be around.
Life goes on even when we think it’s impossible. I’m grateful we are finding some joy in our days again – we do it in honor of our goofy, happy, sweet, fun boy.
Life after Losing Ryan
Mondays , a bereaved mother shares her journey of hope and survival after the tragic death of her 18 year old son.
Comments
I have been SO desperate to understand (the best I am able) the grief of a very dear friend, so that I can walk with her through it. Thank you for your transparency. My friend is 62 and lost her 41 year old son. He was involved in a horrific house fire and lived 12 days before he finally died. It was horrible. That was mid-December. My friend has an incredible Christian faith and lots of support. My young daughter and I love her so much. We find ourselves struggling against the tide of our own hurt at being somewhat shut out from our dear one's day-to-day life and grieving, but mostly we just ache to love her through her pain. I read somewhere that in time, people who suffer this sort of loss come to look back and really value all the efforts people made to reach out. We continue to leave our hands out in the darkness for this one we love so much. Some dayswe are pretty discouraged, but we feel convinced that real love is giving generously of yourself despite what you get in return. All the same, I remain surprised daily by the grief I feel over a lost son that I never even met. It's amazing how love really causes you to "fee;" someone's pain...at least part of it anyway. Bless you as you continue to heal.