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Grief Induced Amnesia
I remember standing in the fellowship hall of our church after the funeral and someone said to me “My mother in law, who also lost a son, said to tell you that you won’t remember any of this.” I thought to myself….oh yes I will. I am feeling every painful second of this horrible experience. But in some ways she was right. It’s a little like child birth. When you look back on it, you remember it hurt like heck but the edges of the memory are softened and the picture is blurry. Bringing it into focus would hurt too much so you accept the fuzzy picture, remembering the essence of the experience without all the minute details.
I have often described our state as being zombie like and that’s a fairly accurate portrayal of how we were that first year. Recently one of Ryan’s closest friends said to me that the hardest part of that first year for him was “seeing you and Mr. D and how sad you were”. That comment surprised me because I felt like we always put on our best & happiest faces when Ryan’s friends visited. I mentioned the comment to Debra, my bff, and she said “Oh Lynn, you both had those vacant looks. Not only was no one home; the light wasn’t even on.”
Another friend of mine who lost a child 15 years before we lost Ryan told me she doesn’t remember a book she read; a movie she saw; most decisions she made or conversations she had in the first year after Haley’s death. I am finding that to be true for me as well. I lost most of 2008. It’s a long, painful blur. I read dozens of books but only sad or serious ones. I saw only sad or serious movies. I watched little TV since inane chatter drove me mad. I read obituaries and tragic stories in the paper. I paid close attention to deaths and illness in my friend’s lives. I had no capacity for happiness or joy.
One of the mistakes well meaning friends often make is trying to cheer us up. We are not “cheer-able” and that’s important to remember now at holiday season. If you have a friend or loved one who has recently lost someone, please be compassionate and kind to them during this season of frivolity, joy and gratitude. They don’t feel blessed and reminding them of all they have to be thankful for won’t make them feel any better. What they have lost overshadows what they have left. Don’t insist on them joining in the family fun or the traditional get-togethers. It’s very, very hard to be around others whose families are still intact when yours has a gaping hole in it. When your heart is broken, you have very little capacity for others’ happiness regardless of how much you love them. You mean them no ill will but you also don’t want them flaunting their good fortune and blessings upon you when you feel so robbed of your own. Allow them to be sad. Acknowledge their loss and how painful this season is for them. Candy coating it doesn’t work and will be offensive and hurtful to them. Love them; include them but follow their lead. The first holiday season is terrible but time is a magical elixir. It will get a bit better eventually.
Life after Losing Ryan
Mondays , a bereaved mother shares her journey of hope and survival after the tragic death of her 18 year old son.
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I have often described our state as being zombie like and that’s a fairly accurate portrayal of how we were that first year.
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