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21 years ago we were eagerly awaiting the birth of our second child. We didn’t know if it was a boy or girl but my gut said it was a girl. The new baby arrived on February 16, 1989 at 5:55 pm and he was a boy. The nurse said “It’s a boy. Does he have a name?” I said “Ryan Hunter Dickerson”.

So here we are on the eve of what would be Ryan’s 21st birthday. Another big milestone that stabs us in that very tender place.

When our boys were little, I started a tradition of writing a letter to them every year on their birthday. I sealed the letters and put them in the safe deposit box for safe keeping until their 21st birthday, at which time they would be given their birthday letters from their entire childhood. Both boys loved this tradition and eagerly anticipated getting their letters on their 21st birthday. Ross got his 4 years ago. Ryan never got to read his and for that I am very sad. I sometimes wish I had put them in the casket with him. I am including here the last one I ever wrote to him. His 18th birthday letter, written five months before his death. When I read it now, it gives me chills. It’s almost as if I knew he was a treasure too great for this world. Here is Ryan’s 18th birthday letter. He never got to read it but you can.

February, 2007

Happy 18th birthday Ry – my man boy! I truly cannot believe you are officially grown. All those years Dad and I worried about who would take care of you guys if something happened to us. Now that’s a moot point. You’re a grown up in all the official ways. YIKES!

What a sweet and precious boy you are. I love you so much that it’s almost unhealthy, I think. I tell you all the time that you are the joy of my life and that is true. You have made me so proud with all your accomplishments and most especially with your outstanding character and charming personality. When I allow myself to enter that dark place of worrying about something horrible happening to you, I literally almost start to hyperventilate. I don’t know that I could go on if something bad happened to you. So I just keep asking God to protect you from needless tragedy and to keep you safe and free from harm.

As I write this, I am spending much of each week in Sacramento while you, Dad, Tyler and Ross live in Modesto in the great house on Wycliffe Dr. I miss the daily rhythm of our lives but realize this is a short term sacrifice for our family.

Your 18th year was a good one. After last year’s spaghetti celebration after swim practice where 40 or so of your closest friends came over for dinner and cake (including Grant with his RISK game), you had a good spring. You swam on the swim team, mostly swimming the 500; you were selected to interview for Boys’ State and I was so proud (Brendan was chosen but you were later added to the roster from the alternate list), you competed on the Debate team, emceed the Senior Awards night at MHS again, represented MoHi at Camp Royal, the Rotary Club’s Youth Leadership Academy); went to Prom with Annie Benisch; broke up with Leah Macko and started dating her good friend, Lauren Willey; and played a lot of poker. You and I were scheduled to take a big spring break college trip to Boston, Nashville, St. Louis and Providence, RI but you got sick and we had to cancel our trip. We toured Berkeley instead and had a fun day.

Late in the spring Tyler moved in with us and Ross had his serious car accident.

Summer arrived. We went to Maui and took Lance with us. The Sparkmans and Pughs were also there. It was a very fun time even though Lance hurt his shoulder riding waves. We came home and you had a very busy summer. You played summer polo and became good friends with Bryan Wilson. We took a trip to St. Louis and Nashville to visit WashU and Vanderbilt. You liked them both and were conflicted about where to apply, finally settling on WashU at the 11th hour before the Early Decision deadline. You had a great week at Boys’ State, even though you didn’t want to go. (Very typical of you!) You also went on the SSP trip to some Northern California Indian reservation to do mission work with the youth group. You came home filthy but fulfilled. We later learned there were two boys noticed by the SSP administration and earmarked as future leaders. Of course, you were one of those two. You dated Lauren most of the summer and got a job at Hollister toward the end of the summer. You also baby sat for Jackson Kerr on a fairly regular basis. Summer wound down and naturally you were behind on summer homework. (Not because your mother didn’t give you plenty of friendly reminders, threats and cajoles to no avail!) You ended up pulling an all nighter the night before school started so you could finish your history summer homework. You were late with your English summer homework but luckily Mrs. Johnson loved you, like all teachers did, and cut you some slack.

Your senior year of high school! Wow – so surreal for Dad and me. As I write this, it is over half way over. It has been a great year for you. Water polo captain, Coach’s Award winner, fun times on tournament trips, debate team, SAT tests, working on Extended Essay. You missed being a National Merit Finalist by two measly points (one question, as you always say). We were both disappointed but c’est la vie. At least we weren’t counting on that for a full ride to college. We were very proud of you anyway for coming so close. You received hundreds of brochures in the mail from colleges all over the country. I saved them all and I bet the box weighed over 50 lbs by the time I threw them all out. You worked with Linda Rue on college essays and applications, finally narrowing your list down to WashU, Vanderbilt, Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD, UCSB, Penn. You applied early decision to WashU and got in! A very exciting day – December 14. You were in a lock down in Mrs. Garvin’s class when you went online and checked your application status. It was a gratifying answer since you had personally called the admissions officer and pled your case. You also got accepted at Cal, UCSD and Santa Barbara. Only UCLA turned you down.

You went to Winter Formal with Dana Bondi as a favor to Will who was sick with some awful sinus cloggation problem. Dana was your good friend so you had fun. You had gone to Johansen’s Winter Formal with Morgan Kelly a few weeks before on a blind date of sorts and had a great time.

Your good friends are Tyler Seymour, Bryan Wilson, Terrence Musca, Steve Giahos, Mark VanderWall, Cody Alkire, Tim Joo, John Byron-Fetz, Chris Glynn, Sidney Lara, Brianne Sparkman, Brianna Pugh, Hanna Nilson, Kevin & Jeremy and dozens of others. You are a dear, kind, compassionate person who is fun and funny. You make the world a better place just by being in it.

You are still absent minded. You still kick dirty socks off at the end of your bed so that when I change your sheets I find lots of gross socks. You still lose stuff though not as often as you once did. You still love to look at your profile (especially your abs) in the mirror. You still ask me if I think you’re getting fat while eating a handful of M&Ms or Doritos or a big bowl of Waffle Crunch. You are still ALWAYS late! Time management is your weakest area. I’ve often said to Dad that with all your many talents and skills, if you were a good time manager you would really be hell on wheels! But unfortunately you’re still working on punctuality and time management. I still have hope.

You recently joined The Bee’s Teens in the Newsroom staff because you thought the staff’s answers each week were stupid. So instead of just criticizing it, you decided to do something about it! I like that about you.

There are many things I like about you. And I miss you lots already. I’m sad because I feel like I’m missing your senior year and last year at home by being in Sacramento for my new job. And in just a few months you will be gone – off to college and to spread your wings and fly. I have no doubts you will be incredibly successful and happy. You’re hard wired that way!

I love you, Ry. Thank you for bringing so much love, laughter and joy to our lives. We are richer because you’re in our lives.

Much love,

Mom