blogs

The story of my (online) life: I was reading Melissa's post on power struggles, and ended up with a blog post in reply. As an editor, you would think I'd be able to trim my own writing, but …

We sometimes get into power struggles because we don't want to look soft around our peers or relatives. Probably the best advice I received for avoiding power struggles was "Don’t sweat the small stuff." My son wore yellow rain boots year-round when he was a preschooler and my daughter spent several years wearing tutus and crowns just about everywhere she went. I got some looks from strangers, but mostly grins, or comments from other parents that they remembered when their kids were that age. I suggested we bring along other shoes/clothes just in case they needed or wanted to change outfits, and that was it.

Our biggest power struggles usually happened during transitions from one activity to another. I could often reduce or eliminate the meltdowns with clear communication ahead of time, such as, "We’re going to the post office. I know you like those stanchions (posts) that keep people in one line, but playing with them isn’t safe. I’ll need you to stay near me and I’ll get us out of there as quickly as I can, then we’ll go to the park." For younger children, keep it short and simple: "Let’s go mail a package. Stay next to mama and let the posts stay up. Then it’s park time!"

(A word of caution: Don't offer a choice you’re not prepared to follow through on, because that's an invitation for further limit-testing. If you say, "I need you to sit in the cart or we’re leaving the store," you need to be prepared to leave, even if you're seconds from the checkout line. I can remember exactly two times when I had to leave a store because behavior expectations were not met; I was very matter-of-fact, and they never did it again. I also did my best not to take them on outings when they were hungry, tired or already in a bad mood, because that's just asking for trouble. )

Even preschoolers can have remarkable insights into their own behavior when they're calm, so don’t be afraid to get your child’s input on why a certain time or transition is hard. With my children's help, we developed a routine for the transition from their father's house to mine. That "re-entry period" used to be brutal, but now we go to the library and stop for frozen yogurt before jumping back into the routine at home. I also let the kids hear my thoughts on how their rights and responsibilities change as they get older, so they know I'm not wielding my power just because I can; when you're a child, many adult decisions seem capricious, so it's important to honor that.