blogs

March 10, 2010 was the six month anniversary of Dustin’s death.  It was a hard day for me but it started brewing the night before.  I was watching the news and they showed the funeral service for Marie Osmond’s eighteen year old.  The pain I saw in Marie Osmond’s eyes is a familiar pain.  As I reflect back over the last six months I wonder how I survived those first couple of days.  I believe that I was in shock and that my brain protected me from the full impact of what I was experiencing.  I know my family played a big part in keeping me from going over the deep end.  A friend of mine told me that if the pain we were experiencing was from a medical condition that we would have been in ICU.   There is no “How To” manual that guides us through this excruciating pain of losing a child and everyone grieves in different ways.  The first few weeks into the grieving process I was so busy making arrangements and taking care of Dustin’s business that it took a couple of week before the reality started to set in.  Every now and then I will forget about this tragedy for a few short seconds and when it returns you go through the emotions all over again.  You make progress and then you have setbacks, this process goes back and forth.A few days after Dustin passed away the skies opened up and the rains came, there was thunder and lightening and then I saw a beautiful rainbow.  My initial reaction was that Dustin was causing havoc in heaven or maybe he was just letting me know he was ok.  About a month later I saw a double rainbow, I thought of it as another gift from Dustin. This morning on my way to work I stopped for my caffeine fix and I looked up in the sky and saw the most beautiful rainbow, it felt like the rainbow  was right over my car, I just sat there looking into the sky and smiled, it felt like Dustin was saying, “Wow, the view is beautiful”.I am continuing with therapy and I start a new session next week.  There will be more sad stories from people that I have never met before and a bond will form because you know and understand the pain they are going through.  Because everyone will be in different stages of their grief we can help each other or give one another hope that tomorrow will be better than today was.  As I have said before, I am in a club that no one wants to join and although it is sad to hear their stories and to share your own story it is the only way to heal, you cannot keep these emotions locked up inside.Next week we will be starting the selection process for picking two students who will receive a college scholarship in memory of Dustin.  I will also be attending the awards banquet and I am going to hand out these scholarship awards.  I have a feeling that I am going to need a box of Kleenex to get through the ceremony, I am still unable to talk about Dustin without breaking down but it is ok, Dustin would be so proud knowing that he was able to help out some of his students and so that will give me the strength to get through the evening.