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In the news last week and all over the mommy blogosphere was the story of the mom who after 18 months relinquished, gave back if you will, her son by adoption. Of course her story brought on very strong responses. Her gut wrenching decision was rationalized and defended with the fact that she just was not bonding with her son. He was not bonding with her. Her 5 older children seemed indifferent towards their new little brother. She and her husband were struggling meeting the needs of their son and dealing with his many challenges and found it affecting their own relationship. It would seem that they just weren't that into each other so Ms Tedaldi, her husband and her family gave back the child they had so eagerly, anxiously and desperately wanted. In spite of all her research, preparation, understanding of the potential for attachment issues as well as her son's health and developmental challenges, she just wasn't up for the challenge that is parenting...

At least that is the way that I view her story. Her editor, Lisa Belkin, of Motherlode and perhaps others might see my view as harsh judgment directed at another mother. Ms Belkin defends this story as sunlight shining on all corners of the subject of adoption and that perhaps we could just as easily become that kind of parent.

I try not to judge but still I am loathe to see Ms Tedaldi's decision in a sympathetic light. I can't. I feel her anguish. I sense her frustration and loneliness living with the day to day challenges of caring for and raising a child with complicated medical and developmental challenges. But I fail to understand a parent just giving up. All the beautiful words knitted together with the tender photographs of her smiling face as she hugs and kisses her son fail to convince me that this story ends up like some fairy tale where "they all lived happily ever after". 

She herself, in her interview on the Today Show last week, admitted to the fact that her son, her child was essentially abandoned alongside of a road and yet she failed to understand her son's attachment challenges when his most basic needs for survival were not met from literally the very beginning of his life. In my heart of hearts as a former child of the foster care system, as a mother of five children by birth AND adoption and as the mother of a child with ongoing health and developmental challenges I can not have sympathy for her pain, her suffering, her plight.  Am I judging her? You betcha!

The decision to become a parent, whether by birth or by adoption, is the decision to accept the responsibilty to care for and meet the needs of a child. Babies come into this world with very basic needs to be warm, to be fed and to be loved unconditionally but they do not come into this world knowing how to love. That comes with their basic needs being met. We as parents have to work to meet our children's needs even when we are sick, even when we are tired, even when we don't want to, even when we find our children at their most unloveable. Being a parent is hard. There is no getting away from that truth. The best parents are the ones who remain present no matter how tough it is.

Not every parent attaches to or falls in love with every child immediately. Yes, they are our children but they are individual people just like we are.  Like other relationships in our lives, sometimes we connect almost instantaneously and sometimes we go through a long drawn out getting-to-know-you kind of introduction and courtship. That's the way relationships are. I'll admit that with one of my children there was a long courtship. I did fall in love with the heartbeat I heard during my prenatal visits and I loved the kicks and nudges to my ribs and bladder that kept me up nights. But the days and weeks after that child was born I found myself staring at her sweet, perfect face and not feeling quite connected. With that child of mine there was a little dating and courtship before we finally attached. I can't imagine giving up on her just because we didn't click immediately like I did with her other sisters and brother. I'm glad I didn't. Yet, on the other hand, I am grateful for the decision my son's biological parents made. The day I first knew that I wanted to adopt him, the day that I first held him in my arms was the day that we immediately connected and bonded in such a way that nothing could ever break us apart...it's a good thing his social workers chose our family a few weeks later.Looking back I find myself thinking how fortunate I am to have both of these amazing children, as well as their sisters, in my life.

While her story concludes with her assessment that she is a more compassionate person as a result of knowing her son and then giving him up, I just don't have that warm, fuzzy feeling. I just imagine the pain of abandonment again her son had to survive. Whether he was able to understand it on an intellectual level or not, her son felt that pain again. She may not have left him on the side of a country dirt road but she did leave him. I don't doubt he is in a better place just by the simple fact that he is in a home where the adults in his life are choosing to be present. But I still see the pain he had to survive again.I can only hope, pray and imagine that at last he is in a place where he has the assurance of the unconditional love he needs to grow and thrive.

More Adventures in Juggling can be found at http://adventuresinjuggling.wordpress.com