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 Today it has been 10-months since Dustin passed away.  The pain is just as intense as it was back in September and I think about Dustin every minute of every day.  Last week I started attending group therapy again and they reminded us to be patient with ourselves; they said that when you are dealing with this type of loss that it can take two years before you stabilize, even longer if it was a violent death.  They also gave us a handout and it made me sad when I read this section, “He/she probably wasn’t choosing death as much as they were choosing to end the unbearable pain.”  That was difficult for me.  I also read that the intensity of your grief is determined by the intensity of the love you had for this person and that grief is a tribute to the loss of someone very precious.  Well that pretty much summed it up for me.  At least in therapy you are talking with others who speak your language and when they say “I know, I understand”, they really do understand. 

The walk is really coming together and we have already reached 20% of our goal money.  At this rate we may raise more than $5,000.  The next two months will probably go by really fast because I have so much to accomplish.  I still need to reach my personal goal and gather more gifts for the raffle.  So far, most people have been really generous, it is just really hard for me to ask, I would never make a good salesperson.  I just hope we have a lot of participants walking for this good cause.

We had dinner last night with my two step-sons and their families.  The youngest is getting ready to leave for a year in Qatar and it was our farewell dinner to him.  As we were waiting for our table I could feel the emotions starting to well up, someone was missing from our group, and I tried really hard to keep my emotions under control.  They sat us at our table and I totally lost it.  It was the same table that we sat at the last time we had taken Dustin to dinner.  Everyone was looking at me and wondering what was going on, I just told everyone I was having a bad moment and I was ok.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be “normal” again.  They tell me the pain will ease but I do not think that my broken heart will ever heal.