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Time was a strange bedfellow in 2008. In some ways, time continued to fly as it does, but in other ways, it was as if time was standing still. We were stuck in July, 2007 mentally. Once on a business trip to San Diego in February, Ron and I were out walking when Ron commented to me that the weather was especially pleasant for July. I reminded him it was February, not July, and we looked at each other with the pitiful realization that we were indeed mentally fragile.

Time was both our friend and foe. While we realized time was the only thing that would soften the pain of our profound loss, we also knew each passing day took us farther from the time Ryan had been with us. At times I was frantic with worry about forgetting things. I was afraid of forgetting the sound of his voice or how he smelled (kind of a combination of boy and chlorine most of the time); the loud cackle of his laugh; the various looks on his face when he was serious, silly, mad, sad, determined. As an exercise in remembering, I would play a “Ryan slide show” in my mind as I went to sleep every night – clicking through images of him lying on the family room floor playing video games,; sticking his head in our bedroom doorway to let us know he was home safely every Friday and Saturday night; running out the backdoor to the outdoor refrigerator to grab a purple Gatorade; backing out of our driveway in his old green LandRover; banging through the front door yelling “helllllooooooooo anyone home?” as he bounded up the stairs to his room; sprawled across his bed sound asleep ; swimming across the MoHi pool as he looked into the stands checking to see if we were there; flashing us the sign language for I Love You after scoring a water polo goal….. So many great memories of this boy we adored. Friends tried to reassure me that I would never forget those things but I knew the memories would dim with time. Try remembering the details of your children’s childhood and you’ll realize what an eraser time is.

I knew we would never forget the essence of Ryan or lose our enormous love for him but I also knew the price for we would pay for healing would be the fading of memories.