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Trying to Keep our Lights Shining
People are like stained glass windows; they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Last Thursday was Ron’s birthday and we had dinner with friends to celebrate. Two different friends commented to me that Ron seems to be “coming back”. One said “For such a long time after Ryan died, when we talked to Ron, he wasn’t there. His face was blank and his eyes were distant.” The light that Elizabeth Kubler Ross refers to in the quote above almost went completely out in all of us for a long time. It has just begun to flicker again in the last 6 months or so.
Early on, we were encouraged to redeem Ryan’s death for something good in the world, rather than curling up and dying ourselves. The latter was much more tempting and seemed like an easier assignment. But as hard as it was, we kept trying to keep our internal lights glowing, if only barely.
When I read in the Bee last week about Marissa’s Closet, my heart broke for Marissa’s mom. Her quote about not wanting to get out of bed or leave her house rang true. I was grateful to read she is on a leave of absence from her job and has the luxury of checking out of life for a while. I once read that in the months following our child’s death, if we were as badly hurt on the outside as we were on the inside, we would be in intensive care. But because we still look ok on the outside, no one truly understands how badly we are hurt and how difficult it is to function in the “real world”.
On Friday I had lunch with two women I was getting to know for the first time. As I am wont to do when meeting new people, I told my story of losing Ryan. One of them commented that instead of “getting over it” or “moving on” as many people expect of me, this is my new “ordinary”. My new ordinary level of joy is at a much lower level than before my son died. My new ordinary is always tinged with sadness. I will likely never feel happiness with the kind of abandon I could feel when my family was intact and whole. I will never again have a day or even a moment when I think “All is right with my world right now” and feel that sweet contentment that comes so fleetingly to any of us. Without Ryan here with us, all will never be right in our world again.
Life after Losing Ryan
Mondays , a bereaved mother shares her journey of hope and survival after the tragic death of her 18 year old son.
Comments
I appreciate all the ways, in spite of unspeakable grief, you have kept that light shining brightly . . . as beacon to others disoriented by grief, a welcoming porch light for your friends in the more nomal ebb and flow of life, and as always, a spot light of serving your neighbors and making the community a better place to live. Thank you.
When my boyfriend and I broke, I pushed myself in aerobics. In this way I can release all my emotions and at the same time it gives me a physical help. Try it, who knows it may help you too. Just because you want to start losing weight doesn't mean you should be practically driven to using payday loans to float a gym membership. I know it's one of your New Years Resolutions, but that doesn't mean you can't be saving money too. For one, if there is a university in your city, especially a public one, see if they have (some do) a gym membership available for the public. Also, take advantage of trial offers, referral discounts if possible, or even incentive programs through your employer's HR department or your insurance carrier.